I Don’t Want to Waste My Life, So Why Do I?

As we said goodbye to 2010 and have welcomed in 2011 I have begun to reflect upon the past year of my life. So much occurred this pat year my mind can barely wrap around it. I honestly can say that 2010 was one of the most difficult, emotional, and rewarding years of my life.

As last New Year’s rolled around, I was just beginning to get accustomed to the fact that I was married and had found a woman who continually amazed me in how perfect she was for me (and still does). However God had a big plan for us in 2010 and it included the birth of our first child, MacKenzie Grace. The year begin off with us praying that God would provide financially, in January Natalie got hired on at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary as a secretary which gave her consistent hours, better pay, and more enjoyable co-workers than the retail job she was working at the time. This was an amazing blessing for us as my school became free and Natalie got a huge pay raise, finally we were on our feet. However God had more in mind with this job than we could ever imagine, within a few weeks of working there Natalie and I found out MacKenzie was on the way, this job allowed her to also have the benefit of being pregnant and not having a job where she would have to be on her feet all the time, and the increased pay/free tuition made it possible for us to even think of having a baby. God is the great provider.

In February I had an opportunity to go and serve at a DNow at FBC Clarksville, it was a great learning experience and God was able to use the time away from the grind to prepare my heart for the month to come. In March I experienced hurt. I have been fortunate to that point to have never experienced the death of any one I was close to, however in March I lost my grandmother who was like a second mother to me growing up. So many emotions still stir inside of me as I think of the death of my grandmother; death is an odd thing – I know that my grandmother is with God at this moment and rejoicing with Him, however I still hurt to not be able to spend time with her telling her what is going on in my life and listing to the wisdom and advice she had to offer. You know it is odd how God works, He allowed my grandmother to die as at the same time was beginning a new life inside of Natalie, this imagery gave me a whole new perspective and truth of the cyclical nature of life to me. It brought to truth the scripture of Ecclesiastes 1:4-8

“A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever….What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.”

At the point of my grandmothers death I discovered a new truth in myself to, I don’t want to waste my life.

As the year continued I had the opportunity to go many places and do many things. In the month of June I was able to attend a youth camp with my church where God moved greatly within our youth, not in an emotional high type way or in a way of vanity, but in a true biblical prayerful way. I was there and I had opportunity to serve more than I did, but I allowed myself to get in the way at many times, I think God had more for me that week to be able to learn, share, and teach, and I wasted my life.

In July I had a crazy schedule, I was gone three weeks out of the month. The second week of the month I had opportunity to go to Birmingham and be a part of my friend, Cary Hughes wedding. It was a great time away for Natalie and I to spend time away from the grind, focusing on our relationship before the next two weeks. As soon as we returned from Birmingham, we left again to go to Kenai, Alaska on a mission trip. Alaska is a beautiful place, however it is also a dark place. The people of Alaska are hurting, lost, and in desperate need of the light of the gospel. I have been quite a few places, but never have I seen the desperation for the gospel in such a place as I did in Alaska. Even with this realization and this understanding right in front of my face, I feel as if I did not share the gospel boldly enough, I didn’t take the most of opportunities I had, and I allowed immature luxury spoiled habits to waste my life while in Alaska.

The second half of the year was spent in preparation for the arrival of MacKenzie. We moved to a new apartment complex so that we would have two bedrooms for the baby to sleep in; I traded in my two-door civic for a larger vehicle so that we could fit the baby and her stuff in one vehicle; and I worked odd jobs to put back enough money to make it through the time that Natalie was on maternity leave from her job. It was a busy time.

MacKenzie Grace Coleman arrived on October 5th, 2010 around the 6:00 pm hour. I honestly can say that the time building up to that moment with complications that led to fetal distress and a C-Section, and the time after that moment, where Natalie had multiple blood clots were some of the most difficult moments of my life. I have never been more scared, more prayerful, more emotional, and more excited, than I was in the 48 hour window surrounding the birth of my daughter. It was also in this time that I truly begin to understand how much I love my wife; not in a hyper-emotional way, but in a way that I am jealous to protect her emotions, health, and well-being from any harm. This love is deep, it’s a deep love that is more self-less and passionate than anything I have ever felt and it was rattled by the complications that surrounded the birth of MacKenzie. This was also the first time I had been in a hospital since my Grandmother had passed away, I couldn’t help but become emotional again as I knew the love that I had for my wife of only a year and half and knowing that my grandfather still hurts after having lost his wife of more than fifty years.

As MacKenzie came into the world, I honestly say I was more relieved at the moment than anything, to know that she was here and alright, and that Natalie was done (or so we thought) and was alright. I loved her when she came out, I was jealous for her, to protect her and guard her, however I find myself falling more in love with her daily. The first time she smiled at me and acknowledge me a few weeks ago and now as she laughs at me and with me I love her more and more deeply everyday. This year I’ve learned to love my wife more deeply and I’ve learned the love of a father. It has deeply changed and impacted the view of how God views me and how helpless I really am. Just as MacKenzie depends upon us for everything, she is so helpless, so are we to God. Apart from God I don’t have breath, I don’t have life, I don’t have food, shelter, or even purpose. Apart from God I have nothing.

With the birth of my daughter I once again realized that I did not want to waste my life. I didn’t want to waste opportunities with time spent reading useless technology news, playing on facebook, or watching useless sitcom reruns. However eleven weeks later I can tell you that I have not held true to this commitment, I have once again wasted my life.

I don’t want to waste my life, so why do I?

I have come to the conclusion I waste my life because a lack of discipline in my life. I have never been one for new years resolutions, I have always in the back of my mind made fun of those who make them knowing that 95% of new years resolutions don’t last a week. However this year I am the one to be mocked as I have some commitments for the new year to myself and to God. My commitment is simply to be more intentional in my life, so that I do not waste it. I am committing to be more intentional in my life in five different areas:

1. My Relationship With God.

2. My Discipleship and Leading of My Family

3. My studying and passion in the field God had called me to

4. In My Relationships

5. In My Time.

My biggest fear is that I will look back in fifty years and see that I have wasted my life. It is my resolution and commitment this year that I will not waste my life that God so graciously gives me every day and every second.

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your had finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought of knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going

Ecclesiastes 9:9-10